9th March 2019
Dear Cooper and Finn, I still miss you. I really do. But something happened today that I've been wishing for for a long time. I woke up, and I didn't have to look after anyone but myself. I didn't have to clean up poo or rush around getting breakfast ready while you both shout at me to hurry up. No one bit me or tried to pull my teeth or my eyes out. I just read the paper and drank a coffee, went to the gym, and then just drove myself to the shops without having to take nappies or snacks or plan where to feed you at midday. And it was lovely. And then I walked past the Build-a-Bear shop and thought how nice it would be if you were with me and we could build some bears together. And then I saw lots of parents pulling their kids around in these fun trucks and I thought how much you would love that, and I felt a bit sad and lonely. But then I reminded myself that I spend 99% of my time with you, and that I'd really been looking forward to having some time to myself, so I vowed to make the most of it. Because even if you love someone with every cell of your body, it's OK to want to do something without them occasionally. It doesn’t mean you love them any less. The only reason I can enjoy that time without you is because I know it's not forever. Because next Saturday I'll be with you, trying to get the banana pancakes to cool fast enough to stop you shouting and banging the table. Not reading the paper and not really minding because I did that last week, and it turns out playing with you two and pretending to be the tickle monster and letting your pudgy little hands poke and prod my face is actually way more fun.
XXX