I saw some flowers today
And straight away
I thought of you
And then I felt sad
Not to say “Lovely flowers!”
And have you say
”Lovely flowers!”
Back too
But then
I felt
A little less sad
Because the reason
I thought of you
Was that we’ve loved
so many flowers
together before
And so I knew
You’d love
these too
I will not be dictated to! I am in charge!
Me:
I will not be dictated to by two three-year-old boys! I am in charge!
Also me:
- Wears twice the amount of moisturiser I need to so they can both have a turn handing me the pot
- Says ‘“Yeah, a bus!” about 7 times every time we see one (bear in mind we live in London) until I get the volume, intonation, and enthusiasm live just right
- Takes my glasses off because they tell me to
- Sits on one measly cushion, staring longingly at all my other cushions that I am not allowed to have
- Agrees to call peanut butter “jam”, French toast “bread toast”, grey “white”, scarecrows “rare ghosts”, and my beige cardigan “curtains”
- Has to knock on my own door, go inside and shut it and then go back out again every time I come home
- Acknowledges that biscuits are not, in fact, treats,
- Retraces fifteen minutes’ worth of steps around the shopping centre because I went in the wrong door (silly me!)
Dear Cooper and Finn
9th March 2019
Dear Cooper and Finn, I still miss you. I really do. But something happened today that I've been wishing for for a long time. I woke up, and I didn't have to look after anyone but myself. I didn't have to clean up poo or rush around getting breakfast ready while you both shout at me to hurry up. No one bit me or tried to pull my teeth or my eyes out. I just read the paper and drank a coffee, went to the gym, and then just drove myself to the shops without having to take nappies or snacks or plan where to feed you at midday. And it was lovely. And then I walked past the Build-a-Bear shop and thought how nice it would be if you were with me and we could build some bears together. And then I saw lots of parents pulling their kids around in these fun trucks and I thought how much you would love that, and I felt a bit sad and lonely. But then I reminded myself that I spend 99% of my time with you, and that I'd really been looking forward to having some time to myself, so I vowed to make the most of it. Because even if you love someone with every cell of your body, it's OK to want to do something without them occasionally. It doesn’t mean you love them any less. The only reason I can enjoy that time without you is because I know it's not forever. Because next Saturday I'll be with you, trying to get the banana pancakes to cool fast enough to stop you shouting and banging the table. Not reading the paper and not really minding because I did that last week, and it turns out playing with you two and pretending to be the tickle monster and letting your pudgy little hands poke and prod my face is actually way more fun.
XXX
Dear Cooper and Finn
6th March 2019
Dear Cooper and Finn,
I miss you. I've seen you on my iPad screen every morning and travelled through time and across the ocean to watch you eat your tea (and throw the bits that you don't want to eat on the floor). And I've seen photos of you enjoying yourselves with your Grandma and Granda, and smiled back at your cheeky smiles, but it's just not the same as seeing them in real life. When I see pictures of you I can almost feel the weight of you in my arms and your soft, cool little cheeks brushing against mine. Almost, but not quite. So I can't wait to see you and cuddle you for real. Not all that excited to resume my role as Chief Pasta Picker Upper, though. XXX
Dear Cooper and Finn
5th March 2019
Dear Cooper and Finn,
" It must be hard being away from them. You must miss them terribly." Someone said this to me, and it's true. It is. And I do. When I booked this trip in January it was fine because it was ages away. But now it's here and it's the longest I’ve ever been away from you. Nine whole nights! I think about you a lot and wonder what you're doing. I wonder if you miss me as much as I miss you (I'm pretty sure that you don't). I look forward to FaceTiming you at 9 am every morning (my time), and I look forward even more to coming home and seeing you. But I don't think about you all the time. And even though I'm here for work and I've got lots to do, it feels nice to have some time to myself. It feels like a bit of a break. And I'm a bit scared to say that out loud in case it sounds like I don't love you enough. Like I don't want to spend all my time with you. But I love you more than I know what to do with. And I do want to spend all my time with you. I want to spend every minute of every day with you. It's just I'd like a few extra minutes to spend on my own.
X X X
Dear Cooper and Finn
4th March 2019
Dear Cooper and Finn,
Keith Flint died today. His music with The Prodigy is the soundtrack to so many memories for me and your dad. The first time I ever heard them was when I was with my mam and dad at their friend Kay's house, and her son Jeffrey played Firestarter on a cassette. I wasn't sure what I thought - I'd never heard anything like it - but I said I liked it to sound cool. Then I saw the video on Top of the pops, and mam and dad said it was awful, so I said I didn't like it (I did). Then eight years later I heard it live for the first time with your dad at the Metro club in Melbourne and got so close to Keith Flint (I feel like he's one of those people whose names you have to say in full each time) that some of his sweat sprayed onto my face. It was amazing. Since then we've seen them at V Festival, Glastonbury, Newcastle, Brixton - all over! I always thought we'd see them again. I'm sosad we won't. XXX
Dear Cooper and Finn
1st March 2019
Dear Cooper and Finn,
Our babysitter Jayne was concerned about you today, Finn. She thought you had an ear infection because you kept putting your hands over your ears. I had to explain that you were just playing " Where's Finn? ' and you think we can’t see you when your hands are on your ears. When you first started playing the game you used to put your hands over your eyes, thinking (quite logically) that if you couldn't see us, we couldn't see you. But as time's gone on you've put less and less effort in while we play on with the same enthusiasm. You must think we're idiots. We are! XXX
Reasons I used to be late vs reasons I'm late now
Reasons I used to be late:
- Got in the shower when it was time to leave
- Couldn't get my hair quite right
- Couldn't decide between the pink top and the sparkly one
- Had to change out of jeans because I couldn't breathe in them
- Which earrings? Which shoes?
- Decided the sparkly top was a bit much
Reasons I'm late now:
- Takes an hour to get the boys to agree to have breakfast and another two for them to eat it
- They must watch Toy Story 3 in its entirety before they can start the day
- One of them only likes blue socks, and we only have 2.5 pairs in the whole house
- Sometimes they don't like the way I take their coats down from the peg
- Have to change out of jeans because they're covered in snot
- Hide in toilet for a bit wondering whetheroo it's really worth ever leaving the house again
- Have to spend time explaining to my two-year-old son why it’s not safe for him to drive
Dear Cooper and Finn
25th February 2019
Dear Cooper and Finn,
We walked to the park this afternoon (well, I did, you two just sat back and enjoyed the view and moaned at me whenever I slowed down — you're pretty heavy now FYI). I pushed you both on the swings and you squealed and giggled and had that look on your faces like you can't believe the swings were free because surely if people knew how amazing they were they’d be on them all the time, so you try and hold in your glee so that other people don't catch on and you get to keep swinging forever. Except you can't swing forever, and when the time came to lift you out and put you in your pushchair to go home, you cried and looked at me like I was the meanest person in the whole wide world. And I felt terrible. (Nor terrible enough to let you keep swinging though.) If you could talk, you'd have said you wanted to stay on the swings and asked why we had to leave. And I’d have said something very boring and adult like 'Well it would be lovely to just swing on swings all day but sadly life doesn't work like that and we need to get home so you can throw food all over the floor for half an hour sorry I mean eat your tea and go to bed.’ And then we'd have entered into a negotiation and you'd have won an extra 3 minutes and 47 seconds of swing time because I am weak. But you can't talk yet, so I am making the most of being able to just put you back in your pushchair and take you home without an argument. As always, you have got me thinking about why we can't just swing on swings all day. And when you're 47 and I feel ok about leaving you in the park by yourself, you're welcome to do that if you want. Although you probably won't, because you'll have discovered lots of other things you enjoy by then. And it is important to spend time doing the things you enjoy and not always worry about getting home in time for tea. But if everyone just swang on swings all day, who would make the swings? XXX
Dear Cooper and Finn
23rd February 2019
Dear Cooper and Finn,
It was our friend Alfie's first birthday party today! You went straight for the washing machine because you already know that that all the cool people hang out in the kitchen at parties. Then you took a bite out of few sausage rolls and tried to go up the stairs about twenty times, and then we had to leave because your dad had to go to work. He dropped us off at Battersea Park. I got a bit frustrated while we were there because it was really busy and I just felt like I couldn't move without being in someone's way (a common feeling with a double buggy). But then on the way home a man was cycling towards us absolutely beaming, and he just shouted " LOVELY " at you both and it so was. xxx
Dear Cooper and Finn
22nd February 2019
Dear Cooper and Finn,
It's the first day this year we haven't needed our coats, which always makes me feel good. It makes the day so much easier to move through. Makes my bones feel lighter and my arms swing easier. Also this first-day-without-a-coat is earlier than I ever remember it being. And as I'm writing this i'm thinking about you reading it 50 years from now after a climate disaster, completely aghast that I ever thought it was ok to laugh about not needing a coat in February.
We went to the park so we could meet your dad on his way home from work, which is the highlight of my day at the moment. Your dad snuck up behind behind you while you were on the swings like he always does, and I love to watch your little faces as you try to work out how he got here. You're always so delighted. X X X
Dear Cooper and Finn
20th February 2019
Dear Cooper and Finn,
You both woke up screaming at 2.45am, not feeling well after your vaccinations. And while I'm sorry you were feeling bad, I was honestly thrilled at the chance to comfort you. Your dad and I took you into our bed and sang The Wheels on the Bus complete with lions, dinosaurs and dragons (roars are your favourite thing right now), and being able to cheer you up and make you laugh and see you look up at us with your tiny tear-streaked faces and shiny eyes was very, very special. XXX
Dear Cooper and Finn
13th February 2019
Dear Cooper and Finn,
It's 11.49pm and I just went to put something in your room. I didn't have to do it now, but I wanted to see you breathing. I wanted to watch your chests rise and fall and see the curve of your noses and your little lips sticking out. And now I'm lying in bed trying to make sure I never ever forget this wonderful feeling of sharing a life and a space with you both. And wondering if I appreciate you enough and whether I'm enjoying this enough and whether you're getting the best of me. I'm trying my best. I hope it shows. xxx
Dear Cooper and Finn
4th February 2019
Dear Cooper and Finn,
It's your dad's birthday today, so we did exactly what he wanted to do, which is not get dressed up and not go out. So we had pizza and sat on the sofa, and that was just fine by him. XXX
Dear Cooper and Finn
2nd February 2019
Dear Cooper and Finn,
It's ten past midnight, I’ve just finished work, and I'm tired. It's Saturday tomorrow and old me would have probably had a little lie in until 8.30 then pottered about making breakfast and endless cups of tea while reading the magazine bit of the newspaper. But lie-ins don't happen anymore. Nor does pottering, either. Nowadays I just charge to and from the washing machine, showering you all with stray socks as I go. I'm not going to lie and say I don't miss lie-ins and pottering, because I really, really do. But I’m smiling now just thinking about seeing your little faces in the morning. I love hearing you chat to each other in the morning, then walking into your room and seeing you smile up at me through barely open eyes. I love how warm you are when I pick you up to get you ready, and how soft your cheeks feel against mine. I love the sound of your snuffling and burbling and watching you come to life and get ready for another day of discovery. I'm not so keen on the contents of your nappy or the way you pull my hair and grab my cheeks. And having to chase you around the bedroom to put your trousers on can be a little tiresome. But all things considered, it's a pretty great way to start the day. Just try not to throw too much porridge around tomorrow, ok? XXX
Dear Cooper and Finn
21st January 2019
Dear Cooper and Finn,
It's my birthday today! I'm 34 years old. It feels important to tell you that I guess because the age of my parents felt so important when I was younger. Mam was 39 when she had me and dad was 41, which made them the oldest parents at my school by quite a stretch. I suspected my friend's parents were a similar age, but when I asked her to find out she came back the next day and said they were both 24.
We got dressed up and went for a fancy meal tonight (well I got dressed up, your dad just moaned about having to wear proper shoes) and it was lovely. It was exactly what I wanted to do, which is exactly what should happen on your birthday. x x x
Dear Cooper and Finn
20th January 2019
Dear Cooper and Finn,
You are one! We took you to Franco Manca for tea wearing old-man checky shirts that were at least a size too big, like the ones the lads used to wear on nights out when I was 15. You sucked the topping off each slice of pizza before chucking the rest on the floor, and had your first ever apple juice, ice cream, and cake. We sang Happy Birthday to you both, which you seemed to enjoy, and reflected on the most amazing year of our lives. My previous most amazing year was 2012, when I held a piece of a fibreglass replica of John Lennon's face in the London 2012 Olympic closing ceremony. And after that it was 2014, when your dad and I got married. Your dad can't remember what his favourite years were, but a few days after you were born I asked him if he was happy and he said it was the best thing he’d ever done after marrying me (not that he really did much). So thank you for being here. Thank you for teaching me to look at the world more closely, and to find joy in smaller things. And also to be present in the moment rather than always thinking of the next thing, because I don't want to miss a bit of you. I love you. X X X
Dear Cooper and Finn
19th January 2019
Dear Cooper and Finn,
We had a little party for your first birthday today. Unfortunately most of your little friends were ill and couldn't come, but it was lovely nonetheless. I spent a very long time icing a cake that looked distinctly amateur (shout out to the disgruntled fondant duck) and making a balloon rainbow from a kit that was fundamentally flawed, but I wouldn't have it any other way. You wore personalised coordinating loungewear, I wore a sparkly leopard print jumper, your dad wore a polo shirt, as always. We all ate egg mayo sandwiches, cheesy puffs, and Rice Krispie cakes. And at the end of a lovely day, you drank your milk on the living room floor while me and my friends drank prosecco and took selfies with you. XXX
Dear Cooper and Finn
17th January 2019
Dear Cooper and Finn,
I've been wanting to write and create some things for a while, but other stuff keeps getting in the way. So one of my aims for this year is to make time for the things I really want to do. I don't have time to do much outside of work and being with you, but it there's something that's really important to me — something I feel like I need to do in order to feel like me, then I'm going to make it happen. I'm going to ask myself what things I'd regret not doing if I died tomorrow (morbid but effective). When I worked at innocent, the founders Rich, Adam and Jon used to talk about the ' Eastenders test’. They said that if you were really serious about setting up your own business, then you had to want to work on that in the evenings, instead of watching Eastenders (or Real Housewives in my case, although the joy of Real Housewives is that you can have it on in the background while you work on your other dreams and not really miss much). Some other great advice is that if you want do something, instead of thinking about how much you want to do it and feeling sad that you don’t have the time, you should just start doing it. Even if you only get to do a tiny bit. Just start. Don't think about all the things in your way and how hard it's going to be. Get cracking, and work all that out as you go. The important thing is to start, and keep going. Xxx
Dear Cooper and Finn
16th January 2019
Dear Cooper and Finn,
You both just smiled at me and then I smiled back. And then I wondered if I’d actually smiled first, and you'd smiled back. But it doesn't matter who started it. when you put joy out into the world, you get joy back. xxx